Hope is a thing with feathers

I am so thankful I follow a Lord who never fails to surprise me, who has never given up on me and who in whom all things are new.

I thought that my voyage had come to its end at the last limit of my power,---that the path before me was closed, that provisions were exhausted and the time come to take shelter in a silent obscurity. But I find that thy will knows no end in me. And when old words die out on the tongue, new melodies break forth from the heart; and where the old tracks are lost, new country is revealed with its wonders.

It's only words,,,,,,,

Life and death are in the power of the tongue. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about my speech and my words. It’s something that’s strikes me periodically but I recently had a conversation about it that left me thinking even more in depth. I read a book a few years back by a guy called Charles Capps called ‘’The Tongue, a creative force’’. While there were some things I felt a little sceptical about the basic concept that words are creative was left hanging with me. In the very beginning it was the Word of God that created matter, life and existence. The spoken, breathed Word of God. Words have power for good or evil. ‘Life and death are in the power of the tongue’.

A couple of phrases/ideas often come to my mind about my speech, firstly the concept of ‘one random word’. We never know the true impact and power our words can have. When we intend to be insulting it can merely be amusing (like the time as a teenager where I told my mother to F-off and rather than getting mad she laughed and said ‘aw look who’s trying to be tough’) and when we intend to be amusing we can strike to the core of a wound that we don’t know existed. So often people have said something, a random word, which has haunted me for days. These random words drop into our lives like a pebble, causing ripples that are both far reaching and have more of an impact than might have been anticipated. They’re not always negative. Sometimes these words influence thought and potentially deed n an inspirational way but it happens too seldom. I’ve read somewhere before that the effects of an insult last considerably longer than the effects of a compliment. As insecure human beings we seem to fixate on the negative and we believe and accept an insulting lie more easily than a complimentary truth. Or maybe that’s just an Irish thing, we have a chronic inability to accept compliments and feel uncomfortable with praise. But that’s a whole other topic for another day of musing!!

Recently I had an incident where someone gave me the opportunity to tell them exactly what I thought of them following a situation that was complicated and somewhat painful. I went away and wrote what was, even for me, a scathing email, which I have to say was entirely true, based on my observations and perceptions. But I didn’t send it for a couple of reasons. Everything I wrote was true but it wasn’t the whole truth. It was the truth for this situation but there was nothing to offset my words and give them context. We are complex human beings. On any given day you will find me being a shoulder to cry on or a bitch depending on when you catch me. Our emotions are too complex and intense and our characters contain both strengths and weaknesses. Even when I’ve been told to do so if it’ll make me feel better, it’s not my place to solely highlight someone’s weaknesses as a vent for my own emotions. If it was truly in love with a view to seeing that person change for the better then it would be phrased in a way my email certainly wasn’t. In addition to this, I’m sure that what I would have said would not have been news to the recipient. I’m not sure why they wanted me to unleash my sharp tongue but I was loath to be the flagellator for the assuaging of their guilt.

One of my favourite childhood books was Emily of New Moon by L M Montgomery. There was a phrase that Emily used which I’ve taken for my own, or at least try to. She wrote a vow that her pen shall ‘’heal, not hurt’’ after her caustic vitriol and sharp observations hurt someone she cared about. The hurtful truth can be softened without its impact being lessened.

I’ve tried recently to curb my words and to resist the impulse to be cutting. Those closest to me are the ones I’m less guarded around in every way and so as well as being the ones I open up to, they still get burned by fire as I’m learning to control my tongue. I just realised how like a dragon I sound, having to control my flaming rhetoric.

I’ll leave you with some quotes I like

The tongue is, at the same time, the best part of man and his worst; with good government, none is more useful, and without it, none is more mischievous.
- Anacharsis

Open, candid, and generous, his heart was the constant companion of his hand, and his tongue the artless index of his mind.
- George Canning

Update

I had it brought to my attention recently that my blog was lacking in any recent posts and I hadn’t actually attached my ‘’assignments’’. Honestly life has been too crazy between finishing college, catching up with people, moving house and coping with madness in work. So what’s the update you ask?

Well,,got my exam results and got a 2.1 which I was over the moon about, decided against doing more study this year, I just want to relax and enjoy this year with as little stress as possible compared to the bedlam the last 9 months have been. I’ll be doing a badminton refereeing course anyhow and that will take up some time.

I moved house 2 weeks ago, am officially living in Dublin 4!! It’s a large 5 bedroom house so am sharing with 4 other girls who are fantastic! It’s a bit of a dynastic house, friends of mine/people I know, have lived there over the last 3 years so when I moved in and mentioned where it was I got the response of ‘’oh you’re moving into that house’’ as so many people have visited there over the years. I love the fact that the girls I live with continue the open house, welcoming policy. It felt like a home from even before I moved in.

Life in general is good, this year has been such a rollercoaster there’s no way to really describe it even yet. I think it’ll take a while before I’m able to articulate fully the heights and depths of what has been a breath taking, and not always in a good sense, journey.

My faith has been most affected I think. As someone who has grown up as a Christian, committed and involved throughout every aspect of my life, I never went through the rebellious phase most people hot in their college years. This year, through involvement with a couple of guys, through situations that just seemed to have no reason or purpose, I began to doubt and pull away. There was never any question of walking away from God, I toyed with the idea and all that ever came back to me was Paul’s words of ‘’where would we go Lord, you alone have the words of eternal life’’. But my faith, while never being broken or rejected, suffered. It’s been a testament to my mother’s influence that even in depths of running away from God and His will I still prayed, I still talked to God, I turned to Him in every crap circumstance and yes I blamed Him royally as well. I stopped going to church, at first it was to avoid certain people then it became a habit to not go. My Wednesday nights had other options than small group and it was just easier to go there.

Over the years as a small group leader, youth leader and general person people talk to, I had counselled others going through this same thing so I knew the answers, I’d heard the reasons and logic, I knew what I should be doing but I just didn’t want to. The worst feeling of all,,funnily enough,,was the actual not caring. I should have felt guilty but didn’t, should have felt the pricking of conscience or the Holy Spirit but if I did I ignored it and really didn’t care. In some ways I still don’t feel guilty or upset about things that happened over the year. I can see how my wavering faith affected some people negatively, interestingly anyone it affected negatively was already a long time committed Christian, a point I’ll come back to at a later date perhaps, but my doubts and uncertainties actually opened doors for me to talk to friends who were not Christians. They saw my struggles, my anger towards God, my restlessness within the boundaries I had always set about myself but most of all they saw my inability to walk away, they saw the hold that God had on me. I had always thought how difficult it would be to walk away from Christian circles, from the comfort and support I had grown up within, but this year I made a startling revelation. It really wouldn’t be that hard at all. For the guts of a year I dropped out of my usual Christian circles in Dublin and with only a couple of notable exceptions, my absence was scarcely commented on. This perturbed me, not from a feeling rejected point of view but from a sudden realisation that there is a scarcity of people in the church who watch for those falling away and come along side them. It’s always the same people who get involved in everything, similar to the old adage of ‘if you want something done ask a busy person’. I was and am blessed to have amazing friends spread throughout the country who kicked my ass where need be and didn’t suffer my foolishness gladly, who heard the words behind what I said and were there whenever I needed them but I am conscious that so many people don’t have that. People come into church broken and needing healing, needing God’s touch and that can be a long process which varies for each individual.

I recently had my social conscience questioned after a heated debate where I had to defend myself against charges of apathy and ‘sitting on a middle class throne’. I’m the first to put my hand up and say I don’t do as much for the poor and underprivileged as perhaps I should but that doesn’t cause me to stop in my tracks the way the thought of people isolated within church does. So often I think there’s an attitude of ‘well they’re in church now it’s all ok, lets look for more people to bring in’ rather than the continuance of mentoring, shepherding and supporting within a church context. It can’t be left to church leaders, it has to be the people around and that’s what breaks my heart and has done for a long time. I’m not a fan of ‘accountability’ as I think it introduces a measure of guilt and shame into a relationship that should be about encouragement.

I’ve had a dream for a long time of a place where people can come to no matter what state they are in spiritually, a place of rest and retreat, a place of learning and questioning, a safe haven which welcomes all. In recent weeks people have been talking about giftings and I’ve started to pray again about God’s plan for my life. This stirring for a place that people can come to is getting stronger but I have no idea how to go about it, I guess I’m relying on God to sort out the logistics. The one thing I’m concerned about is that this year may have delayed the realisation of God’s plan in my life but I don’t believe God woks that way, the more I look at this last year I realise what a learning curve its been. I found myself in a place I couldn’t persuade myself out of, I had doubts I came to embrace and this increased trust, reluctant, kicking and screaming trust, but trust nonetheless. I know I serve a God who works all things together for good and if this year is anything to go by, having had the experience of running away but knowing Truth, it may open doors and it may open my heart more to those who go through this.

I’m not by any means out of the woods yet. I’ve begun a journey back to a place where I feel surrounded by God again, but I’m not going to pretend I’m in a perfect place. There will be repercussions of choices made this year and I still recoil from any attempts at cliché or placating words. But I know my God is bigger than all of my concerns and I know He won’t let me go and for now that’s all I need.